Tag Archives: Jury Duty

Juries Are Stupid: The Hell that Is Jury Duty

jury-duty

Do you really want that guy on the right to decide your fate?

Jury duty. My God. No one looks forward to the day when they receive the dreaded jury summons. And for good reason. It’s a pain in the ass and is a waste of time for anyone involved. Unfortunately, your civic duty to serve on a jury is outdated and a plain inconvenience. But try to tell anyone that, and see how quickly you are uninvited to Uncle Bobby’s annual NASCAR hoe-down.

It starts when you receive the summons in the mail. It’s that big, stupid, white envelope that contains your ticket to at least one entirely wasted day. Your blood runs cold, knowing that, in about a month, you have to abandon all of your real-life duties. You can’t go to work, schedule a meeting, or plan a delicious lunch with a friend from out of town. It’s like your whole world has to stop for one stupid Monday. At least.

Where the real problem lies, though, is not in the massive inconvenience of jury duty. It’s in the uselessness of juries.

We’ll take the most irritating part of jury duty as read. You get to the courthouse early as Hell, and then you wait. And you wait. And you wait. All fucking day.

No. Where the first piece of shit sandwich lies is in the actual selection process. After making the poor saps who have been selected for your useless ritual wait around for hours, hating how much they have been inconvenienced, some gung ho bailiff begins herding them into a courtroom, promenading them past the defendant, and placing them on display in front of everyone.

What is the number one fear amongst adults? Public fucking speaking. So what do we do to these poor saps, now? We begin asking them moral and philosophical questions in front of a crowded room of strangers.

Judge: Juror Number Two, have you ever been the victim of a crime and, if so, do you think you could put aside your personal feelings?

Juror Number Two: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, well, I think that given the predisposed and supposed supposition of the, um, defendant’s position on the crime of, which is to say, um…

So now you have a poor sap in the spotlight who now has to defend himself against anyone in the courtroom as seeing him as bigoted, while at the same time trying to somehow convince the sharky lawyers that he actually would not be a good juror.

And this is where the fallacy of an actual jury comes into play. Everyone in that jury selection box is a complete liar. Every poor soul there wants nothing more than to not be there, yet every answer they give to every question is calculated to make themselves look like a fair, non-biased, rational human being.

Lawyer: Juror Number Twelve, if both a law enforcement officer and a regular citizen give differing testimonies on the same incident, would you give equal weight to both testimonies?

Juror Number Twelve: Absolutely. I can put aside all preconceived notions and learned defference to officers of the law.

Bull. Shit. Anyone who says that they would weigh the testimonies of some dude and an officer of the law who is trained to witness and remember specific facts and incidents is stupid, or a liar.

And speaking of stupid… How much do you know about the law. Like, really? American law is incredibly complex, which is why lawyers have nearly as much education as doctors. That shit is difficult. How can you expect six to twelve citizens with no training in the law to understand what is important and what is trash, and to decipher the truth from all the smoke and mirrors?

¬†And what, exactly, is a jury of one’s peers? I do not consider my peers to be a bunch of drooling, mouth-breathing LCDs, but that’s what I would get if I were subjected to a jury trial. No, I’d rather have a judge decide my fate. Good or bad, I can be sure she is an educated, most likely upstanding citizen of above-average intelligence, and is trained and paid to be fair in all aspects of the law.

Call me crazy, but juries are outdated, and jury duty is just stupid.

The Jaguarundi Episode: One Eye on Your Butt, One Eye on Your Face, and One Eye on Your Justice System

Yeah, I have better judgment skills than, say, a judge!

Yeah, I have better judgment skills than, say, a judge!

If this isn’t the most stupid podcast in these United States, then I have no clue what is. Every gall-blamed week, Greg, Adam, and Casey talk about the most mundane, inane, and insane stuff you can shake a stick at. Like this week, for instance:

OK. So, isn’t it neat how nature made the sphincter? I mean, really ponder on that. Most all of your mammals have a freaking sphincter. From the littlest monkey to the biggest damned whale. All of them have buttholes. And they all close up to nothing, but some of them open up to gigantically large sizes! Imagine the butthole of a blue whale, if you will. That thing has gotta be immense. Could you get inside of it? Would you get inside of it? Should you get inside of it? Hell, it borders on a new philosophy!

No segue here: Did you ever see Popeye? Not the weird-ass cartoon, or the weird-ass comic strip, but the weird-ass movie. That movie was made by one of the greatest dead directors, Robert Altman, yet it manages to have the weirdest pacing, characters, and songs this side of Forbidden Zone. And that’s weird.

No segue here, either: Jury Duty sucks. If you are ever summoned for jury duty, do absolutely everything you can in your power to get the Hell out of it. It a waste of your day, and it is a waste of the American Justice System. Casey had to go, and look at him! He ranted for damn near seven hours about how stupid it is, and now he believes that the Bill of Rights should no longer include the right to a trial by jury. This is after only eight wasted hours! Imagine if they’d actually picked his ass!

Anyhow, whatever. It doesn’t matter because Everything Is Stupid.