Juries Are Stupid: The Hell that Is Jury Duty


Do you really want that guy on the right to decide your fate?

Jury duty. My God. No one looks forward to the day when they receive the dreaded jury summons. And for good reason. It’s a pain in the ass and is a waste of time for anyone involved. Unfortunately, your civic duty to serve on a jury is outdated and a plain inconvenience. But try to tell anyone that, and see how quickly you are uninvited to Uncle Bobby’s annual NASCAR hoe-down.

It starts when you receive the summons in the mail. It’s that big, stupid, white envelope that contains your ticket to at least one entirely wasted day. Your blood runs cold, knowing that, in about a month, you have to abandon all of your real-life duties. You can’t go to work, schedule a meeting, or plan a delicious lunch with a friend from out of town. It’s like your whole world has to stop for one stupid Monday. At least.

Where the real problem lies, though, is not in the massive inconvenience of jury duty. It’s in the uselessness of juries.

We’ll take the most irritating part of jury duty as read. You get to the courthouse early as Hell, and then you wait. And you wait. And you wait. All fucking day.

No. Where the first piece of shit sandwich lies is in the actual selection process. After making the poor saps who have been selected for your useless ritual wait around for hours, hating how much they have been inconvenienced, some gung ho bailiff begins herding them into a courtroom, promenading them past the defendant, and placing them on display in front of everyone.

What is the number one fear amongst adults? Public fucking speaking. So what do we do to these poor saps, now? We begin asking them moral and philosophical questions in front of a crowded room of strangers.

Judge: Juror Number Two, have you ever been the victim of a crime and, if so, do you think you could put aside your personal feelings?

Juror Number Two: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, well, I think that given the predisposed and supposed supposition of the, um, defendant’s position on the crime of, which is to say, um…

So now you have a poor sap in the spotlight who now has to defend himself against anyone in the courtroom as seeing him as bigoted, while at the same time trying to somehow convince the sharky lawyers that he actually would not be a good juror.

And this is where the fallacy of an actual jury comes into play. Everyone in that jury selection box is a complete liar. Every poor soul there wants nothing more than to not be there, yet every answer they give to every question is calculated to make themselves look like a fair, non-biased, rational human being.

Lawyer: Juror Number Twelve, if both a law enforcement officer and a regular citizen give differing testimonies on the same incident, would you give equal weight to both testimonies?

Juror Number Twelve: Absolutely. I can put aside all preconceived notions and learned defference to officers of the law.

Bull. Shit. Anyone who says that they would weigh the testimonies of some dude and an officer of the law who is trained to witness and remember specific facts and incidents is stupid, or a liar.

And speaking of stupid… How much do you know about the law. Like, really? American law is incredibly complex, which is why lawyers have nearly as much education as doctors. That shit is difficult. How can you expect six to twelve citizens with no training in the law to understand what is important and what is trash, and to decipher the truth from all the smoke and mirrors?

 And what, exactly, is a jury of one’s peers? I do not consider my peers to be a bunch of drooling, mouth-breathing LCDs, but that’s what I would get if I were subjected to a jury trial. No, I’d rather have a judge decide my fate. Good or bad, I can be sure she is an educated, most likely upstanding citizen of above-average intelligence, and is trained and paid to be fair in all aspects of the law.

Call me crazy, but juries are outdated, and jury duty is just stupid.

Whole Foods and Fresh Market Are Stupid

It's cool; it's from Whole Foods.

It’s cool; it’s from Whole Foods.

Whole Foods and Fresh Market are great. There are aisles and aisles of exotic dishes, organic fruits that you’ve never eaten (what the fuck is a dragon fruit anyway?), and cheeses that will strip the lavender paint off of your luxury condo’s walls. They have become the central focus point for the yuppies, hipsters, health nuts, and the well-to-do.

In years gone by, foodies used to have to find the quaint little cheese shop or the butcher who sourced organic, beer-fed, daily-massaged cows for their ground chuck. Finding the ingredients that made you feel like you were eating healthy, or well, was something these people took pride in.  It doesn’t matter that most grocery stores sell whole oats and kale at much cheaper prices; it’s that this kale has a story. It is picked by migrant workers who are attending online physics lectures, and grown in organic soil, outside of Lost Springs, Wyoming, on land that has been reclaimed from a collective of Tea Party NRA members who used it to sacrifice goats to George W. Bush.

The actual truth, however, is that these places are fucking bullshit. Everything in those stores comes from the same places as all the other shit that you eat. The wine is grown where they grow wine, and the beef comes from the same farms you email videos of to your PETA friends. The difference is marketing. These people know how to sell. And nothing says opportunity to a private equity group than working out that those local cheese shoppes (spelt that way to be cute or old-timey or some other nonsense) can’t deal with the demand of a population
growing in desire for “artisanal” fill-in-the-blanks, and are prepared to pay top dollar for it.

Living near a Whole Foods used to be something other people were jealous of, but now there is one in every major demographic area where the census found people making over $150k a year. People go there to buy fucking iceberg lettuce now. Seriously. $100 at Whole Foods gets you a bag of groceries and a bottle of wine.  Go across the road to Publix, buy the same fucking shit and six more bags and you’ll squeak out a hundred bucks.

I think the next craze is going to be people, the same idiots who are proud of spending $50 on cheese, who now get into couponing and shopping at Piggly Wiggly to brag to their friends how little they spent on this meal. They’ll probably use the extra cash to get into a new round of Birkenstocks craze or buy Carbon Offsets.

The thing is, that shopping at Fresh Market makes you feel a certain way. And if you’re too stupid to know the difference between “healthy and good” and “expensive” then you deserve to have your savings drained by the corporate giants you claim to stand up against.

Whoops! Florida Bans All Computers, Smartphones, and Tablets

Them there illiterates in Florida done did it, again! In a classic Florida move of acting without thinking, the state of Florida bans all computers, smartphones, and tablets.


Whoops! Now, I’m illegal! Maybe you can use this fact to get out of your long-term contract!

The hastily written bill was originally designed to quell any forms of electronic gambling devices, but includes such wording that would make any of your electronic devices that connect to the Internet completely illegal. If you are reading this article, you are now a criminal in the state of Florida.

The bill, which went into effect in April of this year, contains wording that bans:

any… device or system or network of devices… that is adapted for use in such a way that, upon activation… such device or system is directly or indirectly caused to operate or may be operated and if the user, whether by application of skill or by reason of any element of chance or any other outcome unpredictable by the user him or her, may…

(a) Receive or become entitled to receive any piece of money, credit, allowance, or thing of value, or any check, slug, token, or memorandum, whether of value or otherwise, which may be exchanged for any money, credit, allowance, or thing of value or which may be given in trade; or

(b) Secure additional chances or rights to use such machine, apparatus, or device, even though the device or system may be available for free play or, in addition to any element of chance or unpredictable outcome of such operation, may also sell, deliver, or present some merchandise, indication of weight, entertainment, or other thing of value. The term ‘slot machine or device’ includes, but is not limited to, devices regulated as slot machines pursuant to chapter 551.

That’s all fine and dandy, and a bit wordy, so let’s break it down to show you how this makes your computer, smartphone, and tablet illegal.

Here’s an example made using the popular game Candy Crush Saga, which is available on your comupter, smartphone, and tablet:

Your device allows you to play Candy Crush Saga, a game where you match colored pieces of candy (game of chance), awarding you a achievements and advancements to further levels of play (securing additional rights to use machine, even if free).

Because they did not specify whether the device is a personal or public device, or any further verbiage that denotes the definition of gambling, all of your electronic devices that connect to the Internet are now, technically, illegal.

With the recent banning of pretty much anything that can conceivably be used as a pipe, and now this poorly written, hastily passed bill, Florida is further asserting itself as the most backwards, weird, and idiotic state of the union.

Way to go, Florida!

Is This Egyptian Statue Haunted?!

moving egyptian statue

Is the Egyptian statue in the video below haunted? No. No, it’s not. How do I know it’s not? Easy: do you think it’s any coincidence that a curator suddenly noticed one of their statues is mysteriously rotating, and potentially “haunted by a Pharaoh’s ghost,” right after major spending cuts for Manchester museums were predicted? I don’t. You know what’s good for ticket sales? Haunted shit. And the Virgin Mary appearing on anything. This particular museum is fresh out of ambiguous stains, so they went with haunted shit. Case closed. You’re welcome.