Author Archives: Greg

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Whole Foods and Fresh Market Are Stupid

It's cool; it's from Whole Foods.

It’s cool; it’s from Whole Foods.

Whole Foods and Fresh Market are great. There are aisles and aisles of exotic dishes, organic fruits that you’ve never eaten (what the fuck is a dragon fruit anyway?), and cheeses that will strip the lavender paint off of your luxury condo’s walls. They have become the central focus point for the yuppies, hipsters, health nuts, and the well-to-do.

In years gone by, foodies used to have to find the quaint little cheese shop or the butcher who sourced organic, beer-fed, daily-massaged cows for their ground chuck. Finding the ingredients that made you feel like you were eating healthy, or well, was something these people took pride in.Ai?? It doesn’t matter that most grocery stores sell whole oats and kale at much cheaper prices; it’s that this kale has a story. It is picked by migrant workers who are attending online physics lectures,Ai??and grown in organic soil, outside of Lost Springs, Wyoming, on land that has been reclaimed fromAi??a collective of Tea Party NRA members who used it to sacrifice goats to George W. Bush.

The actual truth, however, is that these places are fucking bullshit. Everything in those stores comes from the same places as all the other shit that you eat. The wine is grown where they grow wine, and the beef comes from the same farms you email videos of to your PETA friends. The difference is marketing. These people know how to sell. And nothing says opportunity to a private equity group than working out that those local cheese shoppes (spelt that way to be cute or old-timey or some other nonsense) can’t deal with the demand of a population
growing in desire for “artisanal” fill-in-the-blanks, and are prepared to pay top dollar for it.

Living near a Whole Foods used to be something other people were jealous of, but now there is one in every major demographic area where the census found people making over $150k a year. People go there to buy fucking iceberg lettuce now. Seriously. $100 at Whole Foods gets you a bag of groceries and a bottle of wine.Ai?? Go across the road to Publix, buy the same fucking shit and six more bags and you’ll squeak out a hundred bucks.

I think the next craze is going to be people, the same idiots who are proud of spending $50 on cheese, who now get into couponing and shopping at Piggly Wiggly to brag to their friends how little they spent on this meal. They’ll probably use the extra cash to get into a new round of Birkenstocks craze or buy Carbon Offsets.

The thing is, that shopping at Fresh Market makes you feel where to buy digoxin a certain way. And if you’re too stupid to know theAi??difference between “healthy and good” and “expensive” then you deserve to have your savings drained by the corporate giantsAi??you claim to stand up against.